Legal and Ethical Concerns working with children-play therapy

Legal and Ethical Concerns working with children-play therapy Order Description 1.What are the ethical and legal concerns in working with children? 2. include considerations of both divorce and custody issues as well as the roles that therapists may be asked to take. Psychotherapy Volume 37/Fall 2000/Number 3 WORKING WITH CHILDREN OF DIVORCE AND THEIR FAMILIES MAUREEN C. KENNY Florida International University In this article the author details issues relevant to clinicians working with children of divorce. Applicable areas to explore in psychotherapy with these children include loss, grief, abandonment, separation, trust, anger, and betrayal. A host of emotional difficulties may emerge for the child and parents subsequent to the divorce. This article provides general guidelines for treating children who experience divorce and uses continuous case examples for demonstration. In addition, challenges intrinsic to working with children of divorce and their parents are addressed. It is estimated that approximately one half to two thirds of recently contracted marriages end in divorce (Kitson & Morgan, 1990; U.S. Bureau of the Census, 1998). As a result, millions of children and adolescents experience the dissolution of their families and the changes to singleparent and or blended families (U.S. Bureau of the Census, 1998). For some children, the changes are multiple, as they realize that divorce is the first step in a series of family transitions (Hetherington & Stanley-Hagan, 1999). Children may lose contact with one parent and then be faced with the reorganization of the family to include a stepparent and half or stepsiblings (Bray, 1991). All of these transitions can be stressful and impact children's psychological well-being (Hetherington & Stanley-Hagan, 1999). Correspondence regarding this article should be addressed to Maureen Kenny, Ph.D., Florida International University, University Park, 2EB 238B, Miami, FL 33199. E-mail: kennym@fiu.edu Divorce is a time of great fear and emotional turmoil for children (Slap-Shelton, 1994). There are both short- and long-term consequences of divorce for children and parents. Although difficulties between parents may be resolved with the dissolution of the marital contract, many others arise in the aftermath of the divorce and custody proceedings. For some children, as they confront new challenges and developmental tasks, problems may emerge or reemerge (Hetherington & Stanley- Hagan, 1999). Children may seem to adjust well to the divorce only to have difficulties arise at a later date (Hetherington & Stanley-Hagan, 1999). Some of the challenges encountered later in life may include achieving psychological and economic independent and establishing and maintaining intimate relationships (Wallerstein, 1991). This article addresses unique issues relevant to children of divorce by reviewing current research findings and providing specific direction for clinicians who work with such children. Emotional and behavioral reactions of children are discussed and case examples are used. In addition, guidelines are provided for working with parents to achieve a smooth postdivorce transition. The Effects of Divorce on Children Divorce is an extremely unsettling experience for children. As a result, children must deal with feelings of insecurity and abandonment, which if not properly addressed can lead to problematic postdivorce adjustment for them. Children view their families as support systems, the sources where trust and bonds develop. Divorce presents situational conflicts in families that exacerbate children's developmental conflicts (Orton, 1997). Loss occurs for children of divorce on many levels (Adler & Archambault, 1990). When the family unit breaks up, children lose the primary support system for their healthy development and growth. They lose the support of the noncustodial parent, the parental unit and its sense of security, and they may lose their home, their school, and their 228 Children of Divorce neighborhood friends. Finally, their style of life may be affected as uprooted families experience economic decline (Furstenberg & Teitler, 1994). Although children's reactions to divorce vary based on developmental level, age, and past experiences, there are some common reactions. The feelings that seem to emerge with children of divorce are anger, blame, anxiety, fear, and depression (Furstenberg & Teitler, 1994; Hetherington & Stanley-Hagan, 1999). There may also be feelings of rejection, abandonment, powerlessness, and hopelessness (Adler & Archambault, 1990). In addition, children's academics may suffer as well as their relationships with peers, family, and teachers (Hetherington & Stanley-Hagan, 1999). Cooney, Hutchinson, and Leather (1995) found that divorce was linked to altered relationships between parents and children even when it is postponed until the children are adults. Even these older children, who do not reside at home during the divorce, experience anxiety and distress when one parent moves out of the family home (Schwartz & Kaslow, 1997). This move of one parent often serves as confirmation of the dissolution of their parents' marriage (Schwartz & Kaslow, 1997). Thus, parents' divorce seems to adversely affect children regardless of their age. Research on children of divorce has been conducted primarily with those whose parents have requested therapy for them. In addition, studies examining the impact of divorce on children's adjustment tend to measure only one point in time and don't compare these children to those from intact homes (Schwartz & Kaslow, 1997). Thus, generalizations cannot be made from these studies to all divorced families. However, Amato and Keith (1991) in a review of the literature, found that children of divorce differed from children from intact homes in their academic achievement, conduct, and psychological adjustment. In addition, children from divorced homes are perceived as less socially and scholastically competent than their peers from nondivorced homes (Lindner, Stanley-Hagan, & Brown, 1992). Finally, children from divorced homes demonstrated difficulties in school and home adjustment 4 to 6 years following the divorce (Lindner et al., 1992). Some research supports the notion that the problems children display after divorce were present prior to parental separation. Cherlin et al. (1991) found that although boys and girls of divorced parents showed more behavioral problems (e.g., dysfunctional home lives) and academic difficulties than their peers, many of the effects of the divorce could be predicted by conditions that existed before parental separation. Regardless of the onset of problems, psychotherapists may be helpful in alleviating the dysfunction of children after divorce (Thompson & Rudolph, 1996). Both children and adults from divorced homes are two to three times more likely to receive psychological treatment compared to individuals from nondivorced homes (Howard et al., 1996; Zill, Morrison, & Coiro, 1993). Furstenberg and Teitler (1994), in a longitudinal study of children from divorced families, found that they were more likely to seek or feel the need for psychological help than their peers from intact homes. Typically, children who experience divorce receive some form of school-based interventions (Corey & Corey, 1997). These are generally group therapies, which are short in duration, psychoeducational, reality-oriented, or focused on problem solving (Schwartz & Kaslow, 1997). The effectiveness of such group interventions is unknown. However, they may serve to help children cope with the changes in their homes by relating to peers who are also from divorced homes (Schwartz & Kaslow, 1997). The effect sizes for child psychotherapy for divorce are generally smaller than those of psychotherapy in general (Hetherington & Stanley-Hagan, 1999). Thus, either these children's difficulties are resistant to therapy, or the interventions studied are not effective (Hetherington & Stanley-Hagan, 1999). Psychotherapeutic Tasks with Divorced Families There are several psychological tasks outlined by Wallerstein and Blakeslee (1989) that must be accomplished by children during and after the parent's divorce. These include (a) understanding the divorce and the consequences; (b) disengaging from the crisis and resuming normal activities; (c) coping with the loss, dealing with the anger, and resolving the guilt and self-blame; (d) accepting the permanence of the divorce; and (e) achieving hope regarding relationships. Psychotherapists can assist children with all of these transitions. Given that children experience problems after divorce, therapy can be critical in helping overcome them. The primary goal of the therapy should be to foster a place where children can discuss their anxieties and concerns about di- 229 Maureen C. Kenny voice. Therapists should not function as interrogators, who ask children about allegiance to one parent or the other. Instead, the therapist should listen and portray an interested, neutral stance. This allows children to feel safe enough to discuss their feelings toward their parents. Many children may be initially reluctant to express their feelings; therefore therapists should be patient and understanding. Confidentiality The handling of confidentiality is especially important in divorce cases. Although children do not legally hold the right to confidentiality, the therapist must take efforts to ensure that these communications will be held in confidence, if possible. Children of divorce may feel guilty verbalizing negative feelings about one parent and be concerned that the therapist will share these feelings with the parents. It is generally a good rule to inform parents at the initiation of therapy that a private relationship with the child is necessary for progress, but that any critical information will be shared with them. Parents need to develop trust in therapists to report whatever they feel is important to share. Given that children's trust in their parents is sometimes shattered by divorce, children may be unwilling to trust the therapist, and they may be fearful of opening up with their feelings. Some parents promise children that they will never get divorced, and when it occurs the child's trust is lost. For example Mr. and Mrs. Z both promised their children that, despite all the "fights that Mommy and Daddy had," they would not get divorced. Three months later they were divorced. When children feel that their past trust in the security of their parents to stay married has been lost, this loss of trust generalizes to the therapist who may be viewed as another untrustworthy adult. Therapists can help children verbalize these feelings and reflect their disappointment at their parents' breakup. Any therapist vacations or breaks in the treatment should be explained as soon as possible to children in order to reduce feelings of abandonment. Reconciliation Fantasies Issues that may emerge in therapy with these children are complex. Frequently children whose parents have divorced have fantasies that their parents will get back together (Thompson & Rudolph, 1996). These unrealistic hopes for a family reconciliation may be an attempt to deny the reality of the situation. For example, Elizabeth, age 9, when asked by her father what she wanted for her birthday replied, "You and Mommy to get back together." In some cases, children may also try to force the reconciliation they desire. Observance of any positive interaction between parents can contribute to this fantasy. It is best to have parents explain to children that Mommy and Daddy get along now because they no longer live together. Further, divorced parents should be discouraged from intimate displays of affection (i.e., kissing, hugging), as this can be extremely confusing for children who may interpret any positive interaction between parents as evidence of a reunion. Parents need to explain, with the help of the therapist, the finality of the divorce, and that even if parents are friendly, it does not mean that they will reunite (Adler & Archambault, 1990). Children can be helped by the therapist to accept the permanence of the divorce. Working with the Parents In many cases after a divorce, joint custody is awarded to the parents. This generally means that one parent is die primary custodial parent, has the child(ren) most days, and the other parent's visitation may include weekends and perhaps one or two nights a week. A shared parental responsibility or joint custody arrangement insures that the child will have continued contact with both parents after divorce (Lee, 1997). In these situations, both parents are responsible for making medical, psychological, and educational decisions for the child (Schwartz & Kaslow, 1997). Although it is technically each parent's job to keep the other informed of such decisions (e.g., initiation of treatment), the therapist is prudent to obtain consent from the other parent. When obtaining consent, it is best to inform the parent who initiates treatment that you will be contacting the other parent. Failure to inform this parent of the upcoming contact with the other parent can lead to problems, both clinically and legally. Woodworth (2000) advised the therapist to ask to see a court order or other legal evidence if a parent's authority to consent is unclear. When one parent brings the child for treatment and the other parent when contacted, denies consent, a difficult situation arises. In these instances, the psychotherapist has a few choices. Treatment for the child can continue, but the therapist may risk a potential lawsuit from the other parent. 230 Children of Divorce Although the parent would probably not be able to sue for violation of a specific statute, the lawsuit would be based on malpractice or negligence on the part of the therapist. Another option is for the therapist to ask the courts to be involved. Since the therapist has already maintained that treatment is necessary for the child, a dependency or neglect issue can be raised. Woodworth (2000) advised that these situations may lead "to intervention by the state on behalf of the child, and a court order may be required before treatment can proceed" (p. 126). It is even possible in some jurisdictions for an attorney to obtain a court order to compel a reluctant parent to bring a child in for counseling. This may also cause a change in the custody order if the judge determines that the parent is not acting in the best interest of the child. In order to safely navigate the legal system, every psychotherapist should become familiar with his or her specific state statutes regarding divorce. Clearly, there are not only potential legal pitfalls in failing to inform the other parent, but it is also good clinical practice to involve both parents in treatment. Initiate a telephone call to the parent who does not bring the child. Suggest that the parents bring the child on alternating weeks so that you can maintain contact with both. If this is not possible because of logistic constraints, offer to meet with the parent alone to gather information and listen to concerns. Since one parent may feel alienated, such actions help the parent feel more involved. Informing Both Parents of Treatment Sometimes, despite the best efforts to encourage the noncustodial parent to participate in treatment, these attempts are not successful. If live contacts are not possible with the parent, telephone consultation may be helpful. Therapists should let both parents know they are available to answer questions and to keep them informed of their child's progress. In some cases, the parent who brings the child will condemn the other parent and let you know that any information from the other is useless because he or she is no good and has no information about the child's functioning. If this is the case, use the opportunity to let the parent know that you will keep the other parent informed, since you think it is vital. Use the parent's anger at the other to help gain consent, for example stating, "I will tell her that she needs to be aware of this and talk to her about John's feelings." Sometimes this works, and sometimes it does not. However, in successful cases, information obtained from the other parent is almost always valuable. It can either serve to confirm the parent's observation or provide new material. Case Example Jerry was 3 years old when his parents divorced. His father got primary custody and was the one to initiate treatment for Jerry (now age 6). Mr. G reported that Jerry was disobedient, often pretending not to hear him, and that he suffered from diurnal and nocturnal enuresis. Mr. G was remarried for 2 years, but had no other children. His second wife seemed committed to bringing Jerry for handling and working to help him. Mr. G reported that he informed Jerry's mother about bis desire to bring Jerry for treatment. Mr. and Mrs. G often reported how much Je/ry regressed after spending a weekend with his mother. He was noncompliant and angry and she often sent him back early. Although Mr. G and his second wife voiced concerns about her treatment of him (she was also remarried with two small children), they enjoyed their time alone on the weekends without Jerry. When I asked Mr. G for his first wife's telephone number for the purposes of speaking to her and "getting her side of the story," I received a hearty laugh and "Good luck." I was eventually successful in talking to her on the phone. I informed her of who I was and the reasons 1 was seeing Jerry. She immediately told me that she would not pay for treatment (an issue 1 did not raise), although she thought he needed help. Then the conversation shifted to her telling me what a "bad" and "aggressive" boy Jerry was. It was clear from her tone and words that she had little attachment to him. 1 suggested some of the behavioral techniques that I was teaching his father, but she churned that she had tried them, and they did not work. The rest of the conversation consisted of her attempting to convince me that Jerry did not want to see her on the weekends and maybe it would be better if he stopped visiting. It was difficult to hear how little she cared for him. Several months later, I contacted her again and asked her to come in to discuss Jerry's problems. I informed her that her ex-husband agreed to pay for the session. She canceled shortly before the session and again, when we tried to reschedule. Comment. Unfortunately, this case demonstrates the difficulty sometimes encountered in involving the noncustodial parent in treatment. Regardless, the brief interactions with the mother confirmed the father's opinion and my suspicions about her relationship with her son. In this case, it seemed most productive to work with Mr. G and his second wife, as they were open to interventions. However, I explained to Jerry's mother that I was available to her and she could call me at anytime. Discussing Divorce with Children Discussing the issue of divorce with children is difficult for some parents. In the past, children were told very little about divorce and were instructed not to talk about it (Thompson & Rudolph, 19%). Parents may be anxious and un- 231 Maureen C. Kenny comfortable about discussing divorce with their young children. Given their anxiety, many parents may make brief announcements and provide no explanations about what is happening to the marriage. The therapist can help to educate the parents about the importance of communicating with their children about the divorce. However, parents should be cautioned not to burden their children with unnecessary details. The discussion should be an opportunity for the parent to be a source of support and comfort to the child as he or she experiences this crisis. When parents provide explanations and reassurances to children following separation, it often diminishes children's anxieties (Kelly, 1998). Further, a child is less likely to feel guilty when parents provide age-appropriate explanations for the divorce and reassure the child that the decision was based on adult failures (Kelly, 1998) and on nothing the child did. Parents should discuss issues with children to prepare them for the divorce, with concern for their age and stage of development (Adler & Archambault, 1990). This should be done together if possible, so that children realize that both parents agree on the divorce. Parents should avoid suggesting that the divorce is the "fault" of one parent (Adler & Archambault, 1990). It may be helpful for therapists to hold family sessions where parents and children can share their thoughts and feelings, and misunderstandings can be cleared up. The therapist can help parents to relate empatnetically to their children's concerns, and encourage parents to be affectionate with them. However, family sessions are countertherapeutic if the parents are still too angry or hostile with one another. In these instances each parent can be seen separately with the child. One of the most difficult dilemmas faced by clinicians who work with divorced parents is getting caught in the middle. A parent will frequently try to inform the therapist of the other parent's faults, while proclaiming his or her own superiority as a parent. In such cases, it is useful to tell the parents that you are most concerned about what their child is feeling and what can be done to help. Repeatedly, tell them that you do not want to hear about the other parent, as you do not believe it will be helpful. It is most important to discuss what can be done to improve their child's functioning. Reiterate to parents how harmful it can be to bad-mouth one another in front of the children (Adler & Archambault, 1990; Slap-Shelton, 1994). If custody has not yet been determined, parents may ask you to testify for them in court and discuss their expertise as a parent. In these cases, it is important to remind the parent that you are the child's therapist, and your function is not to judge or compare parenting styles. Therapists who begin to make recommendations regarding custody put themselves in dual relationships. Leave the custody determinations up to the court and the custody evaluator. Do not try to assume dual roles of a custody evaluator and treatment provider for the child. Parental Conflict Conflict between parents is often a contributing factor in their subsequent divorce. Married couples have been found to fight over mundane issues, such as household chores, in-laws, and money (Jekielek, 1998). Hanson (1999) found that families who subsequently divorced exhibited a substantially higher level of conflict man families who remained married. Thus, the children in these families are exposed to conflict and acrimony. Forehand et al. (1991) found that in some families the conflict lessens after the divorce as the anger between the parents dissipates with time. However, for some parents the conflict does not end with divorce (Amato & Rezac, 1994; Hanson, 1999) as they continue to fight about child support, alimony, visitation, child rearing, and discipline (Schwartz & Kaslow, 1997). Parents can also display their animosity toward each other by asking children to carry messages to the other parent, asking intrusive, inappropriate questions about the other parent, or create a climate where children feel a need to hide loving feelings about the other parent (Kelly, 1998). All of these actions serve to make the child feel "caught in the middle" and damage the coparenting relationship. Grych and Fincham (1990), in a review of the literature, reported several conclusions about marital conflict and its effect on children. First, exposure to frequent episodes of marital conflict leads to increased distress in children and an increase incidence of behavior problems. Also, the more intense the fighting (such as physical aggression), the more upsetting it is to the children. Interparental conflict is also associated with adjustment problems for children as young as 2 years old (Grych & Fincham, 1990). Jekielek (1998) stated that the effects of parental conflict and divorce are likely related and com- 232 Children of Divorce plex. In general, studies of children, adolescents, and adults suggest there are long-term problems with well-being when children experience divorce and grow up in a high-conflict home (Amato, Lootnis, & Booth, 1995; Forehand et al., 1991; Hanson, 1999). Interparental conflict adversely affects parent-child relationships, which is likely to negatively influence children's adjustment and contribute to behavior problems (Lee, 1997). Forehand et al. (1991) found that high levels of interparental conflict after divorce were associated with increased parent-adolescent relationship problems and that these problems predicted subsequent difficulty in adolescent functioning in school. In addition, children living in stressful homes are likely to have increased anxiety that interferes with schoolwork and peer relations (Jekielek, 1998). Children from high-conflict homes may not learn social skills such as compromise and negotiation, which are essential in functional relationships in childhood and adulthood (Amato et al., 199S). Parental conflict may also provide a social model of aggression with the result that children learn to use the same strategies (Jekielek, 1998; Kelly, 1998). Jekielek (1998) stated, "Marital conflict may also cause parents to use more negative discipline" (p. 908). In addition, when parents are preoccupied with their own problems, they tend to be less warm and sensitive toward their children (Jekielek, 1998; Kelly, 1998). Continuous and intense marital discord undermines the quality of parenting and diminishes parental capacity (Kelly, 1998). Even when children are older at the time of the divorce, conflict between the parents can occur and cause harm. If the parents are not able to deal with each other civilly, they can turn otherwise happy occasions into stressful events (e.g., a child's wedding or a college graduation). Parental conflict is positively associated with reported behavior problems among children when contact is high. In other words, if there is parental conflict and high contact between the parents, the outcome appears worse for the children than if there is conflict but little contact (Amato & Rezac, 1994). Lee (1997) confirmed this finding by stating mat when children have continued contact with both parents (as in joint custody) and there is continued conflict, these children have increased behavior problems. These children are often angry and ask (heir parents to stop fighting (Lee, 1997). In terms of gender differences in response to parental conflict, Amato and Rezac (1994) suggested that boys may be at an increased risk for interparental conflict after divorce. The mothers of these boys may displace hostility intended for their ex-husbands onto their sons. Further, parents may be more likely to fight in front of boys than girls (Amato & Rezac, 1994). Brody and Forehand (1990) found that boys' close relationships with their noncustodial fathers seemed to buffer then- adjustment if there was high conflict. However, if there was a poor relationship with the noncustodial father and high conflict, the adolescent boys had increased internalizing problems. Further, they found that the female adolescents in these relationships may assume a confidant role with then- mothers and incorporate negative attitudes about then- fathers, which in time could affect their relationship with their fathers (Brody & Forehand, 1990). There has been much research to answer the age-old question, Are children better off when then- parents divorce than if they remain married and fighting? Older children who have lived in continuously high-conflict homes often express relief at parental separation (Kelly, 1998), and then- well-being may improve after the separation (Amato et al., 1995; Jekielek, 1998). Kelly (1998) confirmed these findings stating, "when divorce removed youngsters from high-conflict, high stress family situations, the reduced stress may outweigh any loss of resources" (p. 268). However, the converse is true also. If there is minimal parental conflict, children seem to be worse off if then- parents divorce. Clearly, ongoing conflict interferes with the parent's ability to coparent. If parents continue to engage in conflict, it is not in the best interest of then' children. However, if the parents can maintain a cooperative coparenting relationship, frequent visitation between the nonresident parent and the children is likely to be in the best interest of the child. Case Example Mr. and Mis. W divorced after 20 years of marriage. They had three children ages 6, 11, and 17. Mr. W left the home and moved into an apartment. According to the children, there was much tension and fighting before their father moved out. However, this did not seem to stop after the divorce. Mrs. W constantly denigrated the children's father in front of them. She complained how he did not give her enough money, and that was why they could not do many fun activities. During the visitation exchanges, she refused to come up to his apartment to get the children; rather she beeped the horn and stayed 233 Maureen C. Kenny in the car. On a few occasions, when Mr. W walked out to the car to talk to her, she began to drive away. One time she left behind one of the children in her hurry to leave. All of the children were strongly attached to their father but were confused by their mother's statements. This led them to question him about money matters. Further, the oldest child's reaction was complete anger toward his mother for her statements. He began to fail in school and became depressed. Sometimes, when the mother began fighting with the father, the youngest two children cried and then refused to go anywhere. Attempts were made to discuss with both the mother and father the necessity of getting along in front of the children and not discussing personal matters of the divorce (e.g., financial) with the children. Postdivorce Parental Responses to Children In addition to the children's feelings, parents experience a host of emotions during the divorce process. Children are attuned to their parents' states of mind, so it is important for parents not to show despair (Adler & Archambault, 1990). Children can be severely affected by parents who are too emotionally overwhelmed to function, and parents should be encouraged to seek their own help if necessary. Parents need to resolve their emotional issues if they are to help their children cope effectively with the divorce. Establishing a businesslike coparenting relationship is not a simple, emotional, or pragmatic task for parents (Emery, 1994). Former spouses still have plenty of feelings for one another, both positive and negative. Their job is not to eliminate those emotions but to minimize harm to their children (Emery, 1994). Research demonstrates how difficult it can be for divorced parents to function effectively as parents (Cherlin et al., 1991). Divorced parents may be overwhelmed by their own distress and difficulties, and coordinating rules between two households can disrupt discipline procedures. Thus, discipline is a problem and is reflected in children's misbehavior (e.g., disobedience, aggression, conduct problems) (Emery, 1994). Children are often unable to verbalize their feelings about the divorce to parents. Parents should be encouraged to be empathetic and make observations about their children's feelings. For example, "You looked sad when Daddy dropped you off." Parents can share their feelings of loss with the child, for example, "I miss the days we all went to the park, too." They can also relieve the child of pressure in trying to reunite the parents. For example, "Sean, it is not your fault that Mommy and I are not together, so there is nothing you can do to get us back together. We have found we are better off not living together." Parents must be informed that they will continuously have the same discussions with their children, as they are necessary for the task of mourning the divorce. Parents must help the child to see the reality of the situation without too abruptly challenging their defenses. Some parents may change their discipline style after divorce (Emery, 1994). Custodial mothers are often less effective in parenting during the first few years after divorce (Bray, 1991). However, there seems to be a consistent pattern for postdivorce parenting styles. Custodial parents are frequently viewed by children as being strict and authoritative, while noncustodial parents are perceived by children as permissive and fun. Changes may take place again if the parent remarries and the family becomes blended. Some parents may show increased leniency following divorce for many reasons. They may feel guilty for the divorce and the subsequent effects on their child, so they are not as quick to discipline. They may also "make up" for their guilt by being permissive. Others may not be sure if the child is truly misbehaving or if this is just an adjustment to the divorce, and so avoid discipline. Perhaps the custodial parent is too overwhelmed with distress to put energy or effort into discipline of the children. One pressure that can contribute to decreased parenting ability is the economic circumstances that affect many women after divorce. The pressure from financial decline may contribute to their stress level and consequently their treatment of the children. Case Example When John, age 15, spends the weekends with his mother, she lets him do whatever he wants. He relates to the therapist that he often stays up until 4 A.M. or later watching television. He sleeps most of the weekend days, joining the family later for dinner. When he returns to his father's home on Monday after school, he is exhausted and has not done his homework. When the therapist speaks to the mother about this she admits to the situation. She states that knowing how angry he is at her for the divorce, she does not want to get into a fight with her son about bedtime, so she lets him stay up late. She reported that she was "tired" of always being the disciplinarian and did not have the "energy to fight." In this case it was critical to assist the mother in enforcing bedtimes on the weekends. She was helped by the therapist to be firm with John about his nighttime behavior. Through discussions with the therapist, the mother's fear of John's anger at her was disclosed. The therapist was able to work effectively with them so that the mother 234 Children of Divorce could regain her position of authority as a parent. Further, the therapist helped John constructively express his anger at his mother rather than just withdrawing. Children may perceive a lack of support from their parents following divorce. This may be due to parents' own struggles with the divorce. Especially in instances where a parent feels depressed, his or her ability to parent may be diminished. In offering support to the child, such as talking about the divorce, parents may experience their own distress. Some children may be aware of their parents' fragility and may hide their own feelings out of empathy (Robinson, M., 1991). Thus the assistance of a therapist can be extremely helpful to these children. These children may be reluctant to share their feelings with their parents after having observed a parent's emotions or being unheard by a parent. Some children try to make the most of a negative situation, by pitting one parent against the other. It is extremely important that parents enforce the same guidelines and do so consistently. Therapists can help both parents to achieve a good sense of post-divorce coparenting (Pencil & Weinhold, 1997). Coparenting is the key to successful management of the child after divorce and is in the child's best interest. Clearly defined rules and responsibilities at both homes are essential for the children. Some children may insist that they are not going to do something (e.g., make their bed) because they are not required to do so at the other home (Smart & Neale, 1999). If parents are cooperative, you can encourage them to check with one another. Other parents may just assert that the different households have different rules (Smart & Neale, 1999), and while the child is in a particular home he or she must follow the rules. Often the pick-up time and change hour can be difficult for children. They may be resistant about going with one parent or angry that they have to stop what they are doing. In their study, Smart and Neale (1999) found some parents preferred to drop the children off at school and have the other parent pick them up. This provided the children with a neutral space to move away from one parent and toward the other. Father Involvement Over the last 10 years there has been a sharp increase in fathers' involvement in parenting (Hodges, Landis, Day, & Oderberg, 1991). Given this involvement, many men are seeking custody of their children following divorce (Bray, 1991). The father who gains primary custody may need support from the therapist, as he seeks to manage the role of (generally) full-time worker and full-time child-care provider. These fathers may need to discuss discipline strategies or household rules with the therapist as they reorganize the family. On the other hand, noncustodial fathers sometimes adopt a friend-like social relationship with their children. Their visits are filled with fun and recreational activities, earning them the "Disney Dad" or "tour guide" title (Emery, 1994; Furstenberg, 1990). (This may not be unique to fathers, as many nonresidential parent-child relationships can be considered indulgent (Emery, 1994)). If the father is not the custodian, he may neglect disciplining the children during his visitation for fear that the children will not want to return. Therapists can encourage parents to remain authoritative, firm in their discipline, and yet open to their children for discussion. Some research suggests that girls may develop a fragile relationship with their noncustodial fathers (Bray & Berger, 1990), therefore these fathers should be encouraged to maintain consistent contact. It has been found that children tend to do best if, when feasible and appropriate, they maintain contact with both parents (Slap-Shelton, 1994). Working with the Children Children's reactions to divorce depend on age, emotional and cognitive level, and stage in the developmental life cycle (Schwartz & Kaslow, 1997). There is no one "wrong" age for children to experience their parent's divorce, rather there are different reactions and symptoms based on their age (Bray, 1991). Research has shown that it is important to not only consider short-term adjustment issues but also long-term effects of divorce on children (Bray, 1991). Many parents will stay married for the sake of the children, but most children do experience divorce at a young age (Emery, 1994). Children Under 3 Hodges et al. (1991) found that in their geographic region, 20% of divorces with children have at least one child under age 3. For these young children, postdivorce issues include visitation such as time perspective, object constancy, and attachment (Hodges et al., 1991). Given the needs and limitations of very young children, fre- 235 Maureen C. Kenny quent visits of a short duration may be required to advance the relationship between the child and noncustodial parent (Bray, 1991). Toddlers with limited access to their noncustodial parent may not understand the visitation process and may have limited memories of the noncustodial parent (Bray, 1991). Thus a young child, who does not see the noncustodial parent for a few days, may demonstrate some anxiety about an impending visit. Case Example Casey was 2 when her parents divorced. She had two older brothers, ages 7 and 9. When her father came for visitation she acted either with indifference or cried and did not want to go with him. At first, her mother was concerned about what might take place during the visitation. It was later realized that Casey's lack of frequent contact contributed to her reluctance to go with him. Casey's father resided over 2,000 miles away so it was decided that her mother should accompany her on these outings. When the father would come to town, he wanted to take the children for the weekend. This was not the best situation for the very young child, and the child's feelings needed to be related to the parents in terms of developmental level and not in terms of rejection of the visiting parent. Young children may have difficulty expressing their feelings and may benefit from play therapy. They may experience the change in marital status of their parents as a crisis that threatens their stability and well-being (Price, 1991). Drawings, game play, play enactments, and other play therapy materials may assist them in communicating their unexpressed feelings (Price, 1991; Robinson, H., 1991). H. Robinson (1991) reported that play can help children transform the anxiety and fear that accompany traumatic events into feelings of mastery. Parents' ambivalence about their divorce can contribute to the child's separation distress (Emery, 1994). When parents display conflicting emotions about the divorce, their children are further confused. Young children may increase their neediness and clingy behavior, and be unwilling to let the custodial parent out of their sight for fear that he or she might not return. Toddlers and preschoolers may display regressive behaviors such as enuresis, baby talk, and temper tantrums (Schwartz & Kaslow, 1997). Case Example Jen, age 5, was completely confused over her parents' divorce. She developed separation anxiety and would not let either parent out of her sight. She was extremely clingy and fearful that they would abandon her. However, another aspect of her behavior was confusing to her parents—she was alternately angry and hostile toward them. Mrs. M complained that Jen frequently yelled, "I hate you!" and one day packed a bag to "run away" from home. In this case, the mother filed for divorce rapidly following an argument with the father. She reported that even while proceeding with the divorce, she was not certain about her decision, but she wanted to prove to her husband that she could go through with it. She and her ex-husband continued an intimate post-divorce relationship. All of these events contributed to Jen's separation anxiety. Her anger most likely stemmed from her confusion. The child who is hurt by his parents also needs his parents during this difficult time. This often puts children in a precarious situation. Children at this age are very sensitive to subtle pressures and loyalty conflicts between parents (Bray, 1991). They may have difficulty understanding that both parents can be both good and bad, and thus think that one parent must be good and the other bad. They may blame themselves for the breakup and may tell each parent separately that they want to live with him or her (Bray, 1991). These children may fear loss of parental love if they choose one parent over another. Adolescents By the time children are 12 years old, they are generally able to cognitively understand the divorce and separate themselves from their parent's actions and reactions (Bray, 1991). They usually have something to say about the parent with whom they want to reside. They are involved in activities outside the home and may feel angry about visitation interfering with this. Also, teenagers are at an age when they are beginning to separate from their family in favor of greater contact with peers (Schwartz & Kaslow, 1997). Nonresidential parents must take into consideration that these children may have part-time jobs and other obligations that limit the time they can spend away from the residential home (Schwartz & Kaslow, 1997). More adolescents from divorced homes than intact homes become disengaged from their families, lessen their communication, and spend little time at home (Hetherington, 1993). However, it seems that family conflict and lack of parental monitoring and involvement may contribute to this disengagement (Hetherington & Stanley- Hagan, 1999). Forehand et al. (1991) found that 236 Children of Divorce adolescents from divorced homes had poor school functioning and problems with both social competence and internalizing problems. Some research suggests that older children adjust more easily than younger children, as they do not feel as responsible for their parents' divorces and have the opportunity to share their experiences with friends (Schwartz & Kaslow, 1997). Adolescents may also be in a unique position compared to their younger siblings. They seem able to rely on peers for support and diversion through shared activities. Case Example Stephen was IS when his patents separated and subsequently divorced. His mother moved out of the house into a small apartment, leaving the children with their father. Stephen blamed his mother for the breakup and was angry when she came to pick him up. He saw her as "evil and stupid" and his father as "a great dad." In therapy, Stephen talked about how much fun he had with his father, how they enjoyed the same television shows and had the same sense of humor. When on visitation with his mother, she stated that he spent the whole time in his room or alternately came out and gave her a "hard time." In working with Stephen and his mother, it was determined that she should try to plan age-appropriate activities for Stephen or allow him to bring a friend along. This resulted in his being less angry about the visits and their interruption of his routine. She was also encouraged to help plan visitation so that it would not interfere with the adolescent's planned activities (e.g., school dances, sleepovers). Custodial parents can expect a general increase in children's anger following the divorce (Hetherington & Stanley-Hagan, 1999). Anger can take the form of rebellion and noncompliance with the household rules and discipline. Dealing with the anger of an adolescent is never an easy task in therapy and becomes more difficult when the anger is displaced onto the therapist. Case Example Sarah was 12 when her parents divorced. It was a difficult process for her to understand since her parents had always been congenial. According to her mother, the issues leading to the divorce were primarily related to her feeling that there was not a "true intimacy" between herself and her husband. The mother agreed that she and her ex-husband were able to work out an agreeable settlement and custody agreement. They parted ways, but were able to coparent effectively with no apparent animosity between them. In general, things were going well after the divorce until Sarah's father started dating. Sarah became furious at him. She was often rude to his female friend and refused to acknowledge her. When brought to treatment, she was resistant and had to literally be carried in by her father. She spent most of the session in silence, breaking it only to tell the therapist what an idiot she [the therapist] was. The therapist asked questions and tried to elicit a response to no avail. This only made Sarah angrier, and she yelled curses at the therapist. The therapist, rather than reject Sarah based on her anger, encouraged her to express it and let her know that she would be a container for it. Sometimes the therapist said, "I would be pretty mad, too, if my parents got divorced" or "It must be hard to see your Dad with someone other than your Mom." After many tense sessions, Sarah finally began to talk about her anger toward her father, the real source of her anger, for "finding another woman so quickly." It became apparent that she was fearful that this woman would replace her in his life. She also noticed a condom wrapper in the bathroom during one weekend visit and was "disgusted" by it. Discussion with her father proved fruitful. He repeatedly assured Sarah that he would never want her out of his Me, but that he also wanted a companion. He was receptive to not having his girlfriend around on the weekends with Sarah, instead following the suggestion that he wait until it was a more serious relationship. In addition, he agreed to be much more discreet about his sexual activity. Sarah's fear that the noncustodial parent would no longer want to see her or that a stepparent would replace her is common. Boys and Girls: Postdivorce Gender Differences The research on gender differences in children's responses to divorce is conflicting. Cooney, Hutchinson, and Leather (1995) found that mother-son intimacy was adversely affected by mother remarriage, whereas father remarriage appeared to facilitate father-son intimacy. Further, Hetherington (1993) found a notable increase in behavior problems for adolescents following their parents' divorce, with a greater increase for girls than boys. Despite the above claims, gender differences have not been obtained in other research. The gender differences also seem to be more prevalent in younger than in older children (Amato & Keith, 1991). Furstenberg and Teitier (1994) in their longitudinal study found some small differences in the effects of divorce by gender, but they were neither consistent nor significant. Further, Jekielek (1998) found that divorce impacted emotional well-being similarly for both boys and girls. Forehand, Thomas, Wierson, Brody, and Fauber (1990) in their work with adolescents found no evidence of a differential response to divorce based on gender. Thus therapists should be alert to problematic signs in either boys or girls. Conclusion Increasingly, marriages are dissolving, leaving children the victims of divorce. Although no one is certain which particular difficulties a child may develop, many children can benefit from the support of a therapist in psychotherapy. Because di- 237 Maureen C. Kenny voice involves the loss of internal family support on some level, external support in the form of a therapist can be helpful. Psychotherapy can represent an attempt to deal with problems stemming from family dissolution, and it can be an opportunity for growth (Schwartz & Kaslow, 1997). Children with preexisting difficulties seem most vulnerable to developing problems after the divorce, but others may develop difficulties as well (Hetherington & Stanley-Hagan, 1999). Although most children cope successfully with divorce, it takes a psychological toll and may forever strain relationships with their parents (Emery, 1994). Some research suggests that a good relationship with at least one parent may serve as a buffer for negative divorce effects (Forehand et al., 1991). Thus, the therapist can work with both parents to help them achieve an effective coparenting relationship that is essential to the healthy development of the child. Helping parents focus on their child's struggles and not their anger at the other parent is imperative. Parents may need to be referred for their own treatment if their distress is too great and interferes with their ability to parent. In most cases, the therapist can provide a safe haven for the child to express his or her feelings. The therapist can also take on a psychoeducational role with both parents and children, informing them of common reactions and worries. Therapists can assist parents in developing positive coparenting relationships after divorce. The therapist can be sensitive and supportive to the child during his or her struggle with divorce (Emery, 1994). Psychotherapy can provide the opportunity for children to express their fears and concerns without worrying about hurting their parents' feelings. However, despite potential, initial emotional difficulties, most children are resilient in adapting to the divorce of their parents (Hetherington & Stanley-Hagan, 1999) and eventually emerge as reasonably competent, wellfunctioning individuals (Emery, 1994; Hetherington & Stanley-Hagan, 1999; Lindner et al., 1992). Some children of divorce even report excitement about the new challenges and opportunities that await them. In conclusion, although children may be at risk for developing problems, the emergence of such difficulties is not inevitable. Furthermore, these difficulties are likely to be related to factors other than family divorce status (Lindner et al., 1992). References ABLER, A., & ARCHAMBAULT, C. (1990). Divine recovery: Healing the hurt through self-help and professional support. Washington, DC: Psychiatric Institutes of America. AMATO, P. R., & KEITH, B. (1991). Parental divorce and the well-being of children: A meta-analysis. Psychological Bulletin, 110, 26-46. AMATO, P. R., LOOMIS, L. R., & BOOTH, A. (1995). Parental divorce, marital conflict, and offspring well-being during early adulthood. Social Forces, 73(3), 895-915. AMATO, P. R., & REZAC, S. J. (1994). Contact with nonresident parents, interparental conflicts, and children's behavior. Journal of Family Issues, 15(2), 191-207. BRAY, J. H. (1991). Psychosocial factors affecting custodial and visitation arrangements. Behavioral Sciences and the Law, 9, 419-437. BRAY, J. M., & BERGER, S. M. (1990). Noncustodial father and paternal grandparent relationships in step-families. Family Relations, 39, 414-419. BRODY, G., & FOREHAND, R. (1990). Interparental conflict, relationship with the noncustodial father, and adolescent post-divorce adjustment. Journal of Applied Developmental Psychology, 11, 139-147. CHERUN, A. J., FURSTENBERG, F. F., CHASE-LANSDALE, P. L., KIERNAN, K. E., ROBINS, P. K., MORRISON, D. R., & TEITLER, J. O. (1991). Longitudinal studies of effects of divorce on children in Great Britain and the United States. Science, 252, 1386-1389. COONEY, T. M., HUTCHINSON, M. K., & LEATHER, D. M. (1995). Surviving the breakup: Predictors of parent-adult child relations after parental divorce. Family Relations, 44, 153-161. COREY, M., & COREY, G. (1997). Groups: Process and practice (5th ed.). Pacific Grove, CA: Brooks/Cole. EMERY, R. E. (1994). Psychological research on children, parents, and divorce. Renegotiating family relationships. Divorce, child custody, and mediation (pp. 194-217). New York: Guilford. FENELL, D., & WEINHOLD, B. (1997). Counseling families: An introduction to marriage and family therapy (2nd ed.). Denver, CO: Love. FOREHAND, R., THOMAS, A. M., WIERSON, M., BRODY, G., & FAUBER, R. (1990). Role of maternal functioning and parenting skills in adolescent functioning following parental divorce. Journal of Abnormal Psychology, 99(3), 278- 283. FOREHAND, R., WIERSON, M., THOMAS, A. M., FAUBER, R., ARMISTEAD, L., KEMPTOM, T., & LONG, N. (1991). A short term longitudinal examination of young adolescent functioning following divorce: The role of family members. Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology, 19, 97-111. FURSTENBERG, F. F., Jr. (1990). Divorce and the American family. Annual Review of Sociology, 16, 379-403. FURSTENBERG, F. F., & TEITLER, J. O. (1994). Reconsidering the effects of marital disruption: What happens to children of divorce in early childhood. Journal of Family Issues, 15(2), 173-190. GRYCH, J. H., & FINCHAM, F. D. (1990). Marital conflict and children's adjustment: A cognitive-contextual framework. Psychological Bulletin, 108(2), 267-290. HANSON, T. L. (1999). Does parental conflict explain why divorce is negatively associated with child welfare? Social Forces, 77(4), 1283-1315. 238 Children of Divorce HETHEMNOTON, E. M. (1993). An overview of the Virginia longitudinal study of divorce and remarriage with a focus on early adolescence. Journal of Family Psychology, 7,1 -18. HETHERINOTON, E. M., & STANLEY-HAGAN, M. (1999). The adjustment of children with divorced parents: A risk and resiliency perspective. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 40, 129-140. HODGES, W. F., LANMS, T., DAY, E., & ODERBERO, N. (1991). Infant and toddlers and post divorce parental access: An initial exploration. Journal of Divorce A Remarriages, 16, 239-252. HOWARD, K. I., CORNILLE, T. A., LYONS, J. S., VESSEY, J. T., LUEOER, R. J., & SAUNDERS, S. M. (1996). Patterns of service utilization. Archives of General Psychiatry, 55, 676-703. JEHELEK, S. M. (1998). Parental conflict, marital disruption, and children's emotional well-being. Social Forces, 76(3), 905-935. KELLY, J. B. (1998). Marital conflict, divorce, and children's adjustment. Chad Custody, 7(2), 259-271. KTTSON, G., & MORGAN, L. (1990). Multiple consequences of divorce: A decade review. Journal of Marriage and Family Therapy, 52, 913-924. LEE, M. (1997). Post divorce interparental conflict, children's contact with both parents, children's emotional processes, and children's behavioral adjustment. Journal of Divorce and Remarriage, 27(3/4), 61-82. LINDNER, M., STANLEY-HAOAN, M., & BROWN, J. C. (1992). The adjustment of children in nondivorced, divorced singlemother, and remarried families. In E. R. Anderson, J. E. Deal, M. Stanley-Hagan, E. A. Hollier, & M. S. Lindner (Eds.), Monographs of the Society for Research in Child Development, 57 (2-3, Serial No. 227, pp. 35-72). Chicago, IL: University of Chicago Press. ORION, G. (1997). Strategies for counseling with children and their parents. Pacific Grove, CA: Brooks/Cole. PRICE, J. (1991). The effects of divorce precipitate a suicide threat. In N. Boyd Webb (Ed.), Play therapy with children in crisis: A casebook for practitioners (pp. 203-219). New York: Guilford. ROBINSON, H. (1991). Visitation with divorced father provokes reemergence of unresolved family conflicts: Case of Charlie. In N. Boyd Webb (Ed.), Play therapy with children in crisis: A casebook for practitioners (pp. 220-237). New York: Guilford. ROBINSON, M. (1991). Family transformation through divorce and remarriage. London, UK: Routledge. SCHWARTZ, L., & KASLOW, F. (1997). Painful partings. New York: John Wiley. SLAP-SHELTON, L. (1994). Child therapy today, volume I of the child therapy news. King of Prussia, Pennsylvania: PA. SMART, C., & NEALE, B. (1999). Family fragments? Maiden, MA: Blackwell. THOMPSON, C. L., & RUDOLPH, L. B. (19%). Counseling children (4th ed.). Pacific Grove, CA: Brooks/Cole. United States Bureau of the Census. (1998). Statistical abstract of the United States: 1998 (118th ed.). Washington, DC. WALLERSTEIN, J. S. (1991). The long-term effects of divorce on children: A review. Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, 30(3), 349-360. WALLERSTEIN, J. S., & BLAKESLEE, S. (1989). Second chances: Men, women, and children. A decade after divorce. New York: Ticknor & Fields. WOODWORTH, C. (2000). Legal issues in counseling practice. In H. Hackney (Ed.), Practice issues for the beginning counselor (pp. 119-136). Needham Heights, MA: Allyn & Bacon. Znx, N., MORRISON, D. R., & Conto, M. J. (1993). Effects of parental divorce on parent-child readjustment, and achievement in young adulthood. Family Psychology, 7, 91-103. 239

IS IT YOUR FIRST TIME HERE? WELCOME

USE COUPON "11OFF" AND GET 11% OFF YOUR ORDERS